1
00:00:21,290 --> 00:00:28,699
Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

2
00:00:28,700 --> 00:00:32,399
Indeed it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, I shall be interviewing a skin

3
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,890
diver who works in the buffet at King's
Cross, recovering the teabag.

4
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:41,539
And I'll be talking to the part -time
postman who's just been sacked. He was

5
00:00:41,540 --> 00:00:43,100
meant to be a full -time postman.

6
00:00:43,101 --> 00:00:47,979
And then I'll be talking to the Watford
couple who've decided to live together

7
00:00:47,980 --> 00:00:49,980
for a trial period next Saturday night.

8
00:00:51,700 --> 00:00:52,960
But first, the news.

9
00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:56,420
Mrs. Thatcher will not be seeing Mr.
Reagan tomorrow.

10
00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:00,330
A Foreign Office spokesman said this is
because of illness and fatigue.

11
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:01,840
She's sick and tired of him.

12
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:08,779
Today's big event in the racing
calendar, the Gay Lib Cup at Kempton

13
00:01:08,780 --> 00:01:11,879
called off during the final furlong when
all the jockeys interfered with one

14
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:12,930
another.

15
00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:18,079
Today was the first day for the Post
Office's new stamp commemorating the

16
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:21,870
inventor of peanut butter. You lick it
and it sticks to the roof of your mouth.

17
00:01:21,871 --> 00:01:27,909
But now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie
Corbett, a man whose idea of adventure

18
00:01:27,910 --> 00:01:29,590
eating an after -eight mint at 7 .30.

19
00:01:33,490 --> 00:01:37,769
Yes, I'm very worried. We've had this
letter saying I'm overdrawn. I mean, I'm

20
00:01:37,770 --> 00:01:41,069
sure a check must have gone astray
somewhere. Well, like I said, sir,

21
00:01:41,070 --> 00:01:42,210
have to see the manager.

22
00:01:42,290 --> 00:01:44,510
Oh, right. The new manager. Oh, new, oh,
yeah.

23
00:01:47,770 --> 00:01:48,820
Enter.

24
00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,510
What's happened here? This was just an
office.

25
00:01:57,870 --> 00:01:59,070
The offender approved?

26
00:01:59,290 --> 00:02:01,270
Well, I... Ah, you don't approve.

27
00:02:01,590 --> 00:02:06,889
A thousand pardons. The interior
decorators shall have the soles of their

28
00:02:06,890 --> 00:02:11,370
beaten. The carpet merchants shall die
the death of a thousand cuts.

29
00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:14,190
No, no, please, don't, don't.

30
00:02:14,790 --> 00:02:16,570
I like it, I like it.

31
00:02:16,850 --> 00:02:20,809
It's just that I've come to see about my
overdraft. Where is the manager, Mr

32
00:02:20,810 --> 00:02:27,599
Latimer? Latima. Ah, El Atima. Ah,
kismet. El Atima has

33
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:32,839
been visited by the destroyer of all
earthly pleasures, by the great leveler

34
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:37,880
mighty kings and humble peasants, by the
spoiler of all earthly mansions. Oh,

35
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:40,310
you mean... He has transferred to South
End branch.

36
00:02:42,740 --> 00:02:44,700
Hakim. Thank you very much indeed.

37
00:02:44,900 --> 00:02:48,970
Tell me, who is then in... In charge. I
mean, who is the manager?

38
00:02:49,230 --> 00:02:51,730
This unworthy brigand is the present
manager.

39
00:02:51,930 --> 00:02:53,590
Sheikh Alewa al -Harabi.

40
00:02:53,591 --> 00:02:57,449
Totally unsuitable. Oh, I'm sure you're
absolutely excellent. No, no, no.

41
00:02:57,450 --> 00:03:02,289
Hopeless, hopeless. For example, this
pathetic son of a dog has failed to

42
00:03:02,290 --> 00:03:05,010
remember the great lord's titles and
descents.

43
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:08,720
The great lord. The great lord. The
great lord. Sorry.

44
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,540
Dyer. Victor Dyer. Ah.

45
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:16,900
El Dyer. El Dyer. May my stones wither
and my camels miscarry.

46
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:20,480
Victor Dyer. Of Laburnum Gardens.

47
00:03:20,830 --> 00:03:22,210
Paradise gardens.

48
00:03:22,510 --> 00:03:27,049
Paradise gardens where the fountains
tinkle in the courts of the faithful. El

49
00:03:27,050 --> 00:03:32,190
Dyer, whose roof conversion rivals that
of Harude Rashid himself.

50
00:03:32,670 --> 00:03:36,690
Whose britches are as the suns of the
desert. Oh, I wouldn't go as far as

51
00:03:36,770 --> 00:03:40,090
Whose black and decker attachments defy
enumeration.

52
00:03:41,970 --> 00:03:44,110
Outshines Sheba herself. Oh, really?

53
00:03:44,470 --> 00:03:47,030
Whose camels are the fleetest in
Laburnum Garden.

54
00:03:47,350 --> 00:03:49,610
Whose double glazing is the most... Oh,
please.

55
00:03:50,490 --> 00:03:53,610
Food. Food for his prince of men.

56
00:03:54,230 --> 00:03:58,690
He tithes for your delight.

57
00:03:58,691 --> 00:04:01,829
Oh, no, no, thank you. I've had a light
lunch. Thank you very much.

58
00:04:01,830 --> 00:04:03,090
Little baby dancing.

59
00:04:13,650 --> 00:04:19,898
Isn't that Miss C .L. Walters of the
position next to the window?

60
00:04:19,899 --> 00:04:24,379
Yes, B .B. Walters, L .B. If you admire
her, she is yours. No, no, no, I'm

61
00:04:24,380 --> 00:04:26,320
married. Oh, have it to be encouraged.

62
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,699
You will leave the bank, O moon of my
desire, and you will devote yourself

63
00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:36,619
entirely to the pleasures of Mr. V .H
.F. Dyer, whose fiery glance will quell

64
00:04:36,620 --> 00:04:40,060
the sight of his enemies, may their
faces blacken. No, no, no, no.

65
00:04:40,420 --> 00:04:44,609
Whose overdraft... is like the sounds of
the desert. Ah, the overdraft. I wanted

66
00:04:44,610 --> 00:04:47,209
to talk to you about that. Ah, it's a
trifle. It does nothing. No, don't say

67
00:04:47,210 --> 00:04:50,760
that. It's worried me a lot. I think
there has been a minor computer error.

68
00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:53,840
Ah, the computer men shall have their
software struck off.

69
00:04:54,470 --> 00:04:58,329
I was wondering if, accordingly, you
could let me have perhaps just a

70
00:04:58,330 --> 00:04:59,349
Alone?

71
00:04:59,350 --> 00:05:00,530
Well... Alone?

72
00:05:01,250 --> 00:05:06,509
You abuse the laws of hospitality, you
infidel, you dog, you son of a son of a

73
00:05:06,510 --> 00:05:08,370
dog. Close thy face, woman.

74
00:05:08,770 --> 00:05:09,820
Cast him out.

75
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:17,220
All that over 78 quid.

76
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:20,250
Well, I'm off to the Midland. They have
a listening bank.

77
00:05:20,660 --> 00:05:24,260
The new Arab manager there might have
your ears cut off. Oh, dear.

78
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:28,159
Well, I shall go to Lloyd's. Mind you,
knowing my luck, that flaming horse

79
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,210
kick me to death.

80
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,690
Well, it's the last I'm seeing of this
show, that's for sure.

81
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:34,810
What's that for?

82
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,940
That is a check, dear, in settlement of
my overdraft. Good day.

83
00:05:43,020 --> 00:05:46,640
Please welcome our guest this week,
Barbara Dixon.

84
00:06:01,380 --> 00:06:08,099
You know, baby, I'm aware of where you
go Each time you leave my

85
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,150
door

86
00:06:09,710 --> 00:06:12,650
Watching you walk down the street.

87
00:06:13,190 --> 00:06:16,670
Knowing of the other love you need.

88
00:06:17,050 --> 00:06:19,470
This time before you run.

89
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:24,590
Leaving me alone and hurt.

90
00:06:25,550 --> 00:06:28,190
I've been good to your baby.

91
00:06:29,530 --> 00:06:32,410
I've been sweet to your baby.

92
00:06:32,930 --> 00:06:36,370
In the name of love.

93
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:46,439
my heart in the name of love before you

94
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:53,259
tear it apart and get all over I've
known

95
00:06:53,260 --> 00:07:00,019
of your secluded nights I've even seen
them maybe once or twice

96
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:06,739
but is your innocent expression worth
more than my love

97
00:07:06,740 --> 00:07:13,459
and affection as this time Before you
need my heart And rush

98
00:07:13,460 --> 00:07:19,420
off into her arms Leave it all over
Haven't I been good to you, baby?

99
00:07:20,820 --> 00:07:23,580
Haven't I been sweet to you, baby?

100
00:07:23,820 --> 00:07:26,200
Stop in the name

101
00:08:08,910 --> 00:08:10,350
I've been good to you, baby.

102
00:08:12,130 --> 00:08:14,030
I've been sweet to you, babe.

103
00:08:52,910 --> 00:08:58,309
Think about it Think about it Think

104
00:08:58,310 --> 00:09:05,069
about it Think about

105
00:09:05,070 --> 00:09:06,120
it

106
00:09:27,820 --> 00:09:28,870
I say, God pray.

107
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:30,280
What is it, Humphrey?

108
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,080
My doctor has advised me to give up
golf.

109
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:36,220
Oh, why? Did he examine your heart?

110
00:09:36,580 --> 00:09:38,520
No, he had a look at my scorecard.

111
00:09:39,500 --> 00:09:40,760
Does he play at all?

112
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,220
My doctor, yes, yes.

113
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:47,080
Terrible cheat. He always puts down one
less stroke than he actually took.

114
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:51,299
We caught him out the other day, though.
How was that? Well, he got a hole in

115
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,560
one and he put down naught.

116
00:10:09,670 --> 00:10:10,720
some cream, darling.

117
00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:14,020
Then I'll mix myself a cocktail and I'll
see you on the patio.

118
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:25,490
I'm just going to make some cocoa and
bathe the cat's boil. Then I'm off to

119
00:10:28,650 --> 00:10:34,330
Any danger of another beer, Bert?

120
00:10:35,290 --> 00:10:37,520
Yeah. Help yourself. We're in the
fridge, Deb.

121
00:10:49,410 --> 00:10:51,950
Darling. No, Edward, we can't.

122
00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:54,650
Not with my husband in the next room.

123
00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:56,230
You're right, dammit.

124
00:10:57,630 --> 00:10:59,290
I shall be back.

125
00:10:59,530 --> 00:11:04,410
I shall return, darling. Every second
out of your arms is like an eternity.

126
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:13,090
That's better. She's on the boil now.

127
00:11:15,410 --> 00:11:16,530
Who's on the boil?

128
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,180
Your wife doing the cat spoil.

129
00:11:19,740 --> 00:11:21,850
Got to put a little thing on the table,
no?

130
00:11:22,220 --> 00:11:24,160
Isn't it? Oh, look at that.

131
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,820
Look. Come right off me, Andy.

132
00:11:28,620 --> 00:11:31,810
Do you mind if I do that? No, help
yourself. It means you like that.

133
00:11:35,180 --> 00:11:36,230
Darling.

134
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:37,810
Darling.

135
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,530
Darling, I feel like a volcano waiting
to erupt.

136
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:44,380
I want to make mad, torrid love to you
with every fiber of my being.

137
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,520
Later, darling. Come to my room.

138
00:11:46,890 --> 00:11:50,730
Very well, but remember, I'm a wild,
untamed beast.

139
00:11:52,890 --> 00:11:54,370
Wild animal, Pat.

140
00:11:59,530 --> 00:12:00,670
Ah, there we are.

141
00:12:01,390 --> 00:12:04,280
Your wife's got to put her back out
tonight again, I think.

142
00:12:04,850 --> 00:12:06,530
Put her back out? Doing what?

143
00:12:06,531 --> 00:12:08,389
The cat.

144
00:12:08,390 --> 00:12:11,809
Going to put the cat out tonight again.
You know, now she's finished bathing the

145
00:12:11,810 --> 00:12:12,860
boy, all right.

146
00:12:16,140 --> 00:12:19,900
By the way, Ted, I've taken them off so
you won't have to fumble about.

147
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,560
What? What? Take off what? So you won't
have to fumble about what?

148
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,310
The rings or the other cans of beer in
the kitchen.

149
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:47,190
It's your Doreen.

150
00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:48,710
Oh.

151
00:12:48,711 --> 00:12:52,099
Took her mother's prescription round
this afternoon. Do you want to know how

152
00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:53,900
she's getting on us, Brett? Oh, yeah.

153
00:12:54,420 --> 00:12:55,470
Hello, dear.

154
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:56,860
Don't you hello, dear me.

155
00:12:56,861 --> 00:12:58,859
I know what's going on round there.

156
00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:01,359
You're having an affair with Jeremy's
wife, aren't you?

157
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,070
Yeah, that's right. I've given her the
full treatment.

158
00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:07,020
You disgusting little reprobate.

159
00:13:07,021 --> 00:13:09,439
How many wives do you need, for heaven's
sake?

160
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:10,820
Two, three times a day.

161
00:13:17,450 --> 00:13:19,980
Sort of grabs you at the back of your
legs, you know.

162
00:13:20,170 --> 00:13:21,220
All down the back.

163
00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:24,550
She's got a flaming nerve.

164
00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:26,130
Yes, it's sciatica.

165
00:13:28,130 --> 00:13:30,710
You cheap little philanderer. I'm
leaving you.

166
00:13:31,090 --> 00:13:32,350
All right, bye -bye, dear.

167
00:13:32,790 --> 00:13:33,850
Oh, just remembered.

168
00:13:33,851 --> 00:13:35,069
Where are you going now?

169
00:13:35,070 --> 00:13:38,189
I've left my sweets in the cart. I'll be
a second. Well, see you're not, that's

170
00:13:38,190 --> 00:13:39,330
all. Just see you're not.

171
00:14:06,931 --> 00:14:08,939
and it was so -and -so.

172
00:14:08,940 --> 00:14:11,000
You were wonderful, darling.

173
00:14:11,380 --> 00:14:12,940
Darling, you were sensational.

174
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,420
Oh, we forget you.

175
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,500
I haven't forgotten. I love you.

176
00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:22,000
Oh, darling, you're so kind and gentle
and sweet.

177
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:29,020
Sweets from the sweet. Sweets from the
sweet. Oh, murder a little devil. Oh,

178
00:14:29,060 --> 00:14:33,059
kill him. Hey, how do you fancy a pear
drop? You'll have a pear drop. What's

179
00:14:33,060 --> 00:14:34,110
matter?

180
00:14:52,430 --> 00:14:53,530
I'm on the telly.

181
00:14:53,770 --> 00:14:54,970
It's a play, you see.

182
00:14:55,470 --> 00:14:58,670
Off, on, you see what I mean? Yeah, I
know, I know, yeah.

183
00:14:58,671 --> 00:15:02,789
I'm watching the telly and think it's
happening in real life, like, you know.

184
00:15:02,790 --> 00:15:06,150
Oh, dear, I've got a terrible headache.
I don't know why.

185
00:15:06,350 --> 00:15:07,510
Yeah, you do that, love.

186
00:15:07,730 --> 00:15:09,250
Yeah. Night, Ted.

187
00:15:16,270 --> 00:15:18,010
Alone at last, Sharon.

188
00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:50,780
window locks. What a doddle.

189
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:08,940
Acne burglar off.

190
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:12,150
Dear, dear.

191
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,360
Money for all wrote this.

192
00:16:24,721 --> 00:16:26,689
Oh, look at that.

193
00:16:26,690 --> 00:16:27,740
Look at that.

194
00:16:28,270 --> 00:16:31,010
Victoria Goliath Mark III. Oh, dear.

195
00:16:31,350 --> 00:16:34,060
All me birthdays have come at once,
haven't they, eh?

196
00:16:34,230 --> 00:16:36,760
Oh, he's left his stethoscope and all.
Look at that.

197
00:16:37,110 --> 00:16:38,630
Lovely. Good old doctor.

198
00:16:39,530 --> 00:16:42,010
Right. Clunk, click, every trip. Here we
go.

199
00:16:49,670 --> 00:16:51,310
And don't come back.

200
00:17:15,071 --> 00:17:20,719
the doctor, no. No, I'm... Well, I just
dropped in, like, yeah.

201
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:25,720
Yeah. Actually, I'm a friend of, uh...
I'm a friend of, uh... Sheila's. Yeah,

202
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,200
Sheila. Uh, with a dog.

203
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:28,450
And a wood behind.

204
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:30,610
Yeah.

205
00:17:31,540 --> 00:17:33,780
Oh, you are, Sheila. Oh, you are,
Sheila. Oh.

206
00:17:33,781 --> 00:17:37,519
And you haven't got a wood behind. Oh,
I'm sorry, dear. Yeah, naturally, yeah.

207
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:41,560
Well, all right, I'll come clean, then.
I'm, uh... I'm here doing a job. Yeah.

208
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:45,230
Yeah, you could call me Andy, man. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Who? Henry?

209
00:17:45,300 --> 00:17:46,900
No. No, he's not here, I'm afraid.

210
00:17:46,901 --> 00:17:49,779
Oh, all right, then. All right, then.
Have it your way. He is here.

211
00:17:49,780 --> 00:17:52,670
But you can't talk to him. He's gone to
bed early. All right?

212
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:54,170
A dog.

213
00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:57,370
Yeah. Well, I know he's a dog. Yeah, I
know he's a dog. Yeah.

214
00:17:57,371 --> 00:18:00,399
Well, that's why he can't talk to you.
Sounds reasonable, doesn't it, eh? Be

215
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,450
true. Yeah.

216
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:05,360
Now, listen, dear, what I would do if I
were you... Oh, what a shame.

217
00:18:05,361 --> 00:18:06,319
Cut off.

218
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,370
Cut off.

219
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:08,670
Napping telecom.

220
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:23,639
What is it? Yes, I'm the doctor. Yes.
Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Make it quick.

221
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:24,299
do you want?

222
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:27,190
Of course I don't talk posh. It's me
evening off, isn't it?

223
00:18:27,191 --> 00:18:28,539
I'm not on duty.

224
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:29,590
I'm not on duty. What?

225
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,960
Pimples. Where you got these pimples,
then?

226
00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:33,980
Oh, Dagenham. I see.

227
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,210
Well,

228
00:18:36,211 --> 00:18:38,919
I think the best thing you want to take
is that you want to put some of this on

229
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:39,970
them, yeah.

230
00:18:40,340 --> 00:18:41,540
Snowpake typing errors.

231
00:18:41,541 --> 00:18:46,699
Yeah, of course. Of course I know what
it's for. Who's the napping doctor here?

232
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:47,719
You or me, eh?

233
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:51,720
No, think about it, think about it. A
pimple is simply nature's type in error,

234
00:18:51,820 --> 00:18:56,040
innit, eh? Thank you, madam. I'm wanted
on the other line. Thank you.

235
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:58,730
Hello?

236
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,320
Hello? Oh, dear.

237
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,300
Hello. Yes, madam. What?

238
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,170
Where's the best place for a
suppository?

239
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,470
Well, I've got mine with the Abbey
National we sell.

240
00:19:30,730 --> 00:19:34,390
Yes, hello. Yes, I'm the doctor. Yes.
Yes, I'm the Pakistani doctor. Yes, I

241
00:19:34,391 --> 00:19:37,589
Yes. I know I don't talk Pakistani.
That's because I was brought by a pack

242
00:19:37,590 --> 00:19:39,940
wolves in the jungle, rescued by Henry
Cooper.

243
00:19:40,630 --> 00:19:43,460
What can I do for you? What? You want
your specimen back?

244
00:19:44,870 --> 00:19:50,289
Are you trying to take the... Are you
trying to take the... All right, all

245
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,030
right. Where did you put it then, eh?

246
00:19:52,031 --> 00:19:55,989
You put it in the doctor's drawers. That
was a silly thing to do, wasn't it?

247
00:19:55,990 --> 00:19:57,910
Just a minute. I'm looking, I'm looking.

248
00:20:00,261 --> 00:20:02,289
There we are.

249
00:20:02,290 --> 00:20:04,090
Did you do it in a piggy bank, did you?

250
00:20:04,830 --> 00:20:05,910
I don't know, do I?

251
00:20:05,911 --> 00:20:08,789
Keep your hair on. Listen, all right,
I'll examine you on the phone.

252
00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:11,020
Yes, I'm a doctor. I know what I'm
doing. Say ah.

253
00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:13,990
Hang on, hang on. Now, say ah again.

254
00:20:13,991 --> 00:20:15,429
I'm listening to you, yes.

255
00:20:15,430 --> 00:20:17,469
I'm listening through the stethoscope,
yes.

256
00:20:17,470 --> 00:20:19,760
Oh, blimey. Hang on. Keep breathing,
will you?

257
00:20:20,210 --> 00:20:21,770
Breathing, I said, not panting.

258
00:20:22,730 --> 00:20:23,830
Hello. Hello.

259
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:25,840
Samaritans?

260
00:20:26,210 --> 00:20:28,050
Yeah? Oh, Doris.

261
00:20:28,510 --> 00:20:31,640
I've told you not to ring me when I'm
working, love, haven't I?

262
00:20:31,970 --> 00:20:33,410
You've got a what in the oven?

263
00:20:33,870 --> 00:20:36,410
Well, take it out. I've hardly started
here, love.

264
00:20:36,411 --> 00:20:40,069
Yes, of course I love you. Yes, Doris,
I'm living with you, aren't I? Of course

265
00:20:40,070 --> 00:20:41,029
I love you.

266
00:20:41,030 --> 00:20:42,080
What?

267
00:20:42,250 --> 00:20:43,300
Say what?

268
00:20:43,930 --> 00:20:46,580
Over the phone? Look, I'm a bit busy,
love. All right?

269
00:20:47,850 --> 00:20:48,900
Oh, all right.

270
00:20:49,490 --> 00:20:50,540
Oh.

271
00:20:50,930 --> 00:20:51,980
Knickers.

272
00:20:53,790 --> 00:20:57,869
That's not pathetic. I'm not the heavy
-breathing type, am I? I'm not used to

273
00:20:57,870 --> 00:20:59,849
the... Oh, hang on a minute, hang on a
minute.

274
00:20:59,850 --> 00:21:01,230
You still breathing there?

275
00:21:01,270 --> 00:21:02,370
Yeah. Keep at it, boy.

276
00:21:02,770 --> 00:21:04,390
Yeah, Doris, try this bloke here.

277
00:21:08,790 --> 00:21:09,840
Go on, damn it.

278
00:21:10,830 --> 00:21:11,880
Right.

279
00:21:12,410 --> 00:21:13,460
Bit of peace at last.

280
00:21:14,750 --> 00:21:15,800
Now then.

281
00:21:26,691 --> 00:21:33,359
Oh, yes. Oh, it's you, Inspector, yes.
Yes, I thought it might be, yeah.

282
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:36,320
Yes, yes, I'll come quietly, yeah. Nice
one. Nice one, yeah.

283
00:21:36,321 --> 00:21:38,039
Yeah, what?

284
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,939
I'm allowed one phone call. I don't
think I'll bother if it's all the same

285
00:21:40,940 --> 00:21:41,990
you. What?

286
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,890
Handcuffs on the bottom shelf. Right,
I'll see to it. Ta -da.

287
00:21:48,611 --> 00:21:49,939
I

288
00:21:49,940 --> 00:21:58,419
see

289
00:21:58,420 --> 00:22:00,690
Humphrey. What is it, Godfrey?

290
00:22:01,110 --> 00:22:03,970
Do you know I'm Robert Redford's double?

291
00:22:05,090 --> 00:22:06,690
What? Yes, I am.

292
00:22:06,930 --> 00:22:09,410
I weigh exactly twice as much as he
does.

293
00:22:10,130 --> 00:22:13,290
It's not good for the ticker, though,
you know. The old ticker.

294
00:22:13,850 --> 00:22:17,710
Doctor told me to give up smoking at
once. Well, I said that was impossible.

295
00:22:18,230 --> 00:22:20,350
Why? Well, I just filled my lighter.

296
00:22:21,230 --> 00:22:25,050
Good doctor, though. He gave my uncle
six months to live.

297
00:22:25,290 --> 00:22:27,830
But when he told him he couldn't pay
him...

298
00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:30,970
He gave him another six months to live
so he could pay him.

299
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:34,560
I've got the best doctor. I mean,
really.

300
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:36,520
Rightly sympathetic.

301
00:22:36,660 --> 00:22:41,060
Very good about my mother -in -law. I
said to him, my mother -in -law is very,

302
00:22:41,340 --> 00:22:44,540
very unsteady on her feet. Oh, what did
he say?

303
00:22:44,940 --> 00:22:46,060
Buy her a skateboard.

304
00:23:01,550 --> 00:23:02,790
Just looking round, eh?

305
00:23:03,670 --> 00:23:04,750
Who's looking round?

306
00:23:04,751 --> 00:23:07,289
No, no, don't think you're looking
round.

307
00:23:07,290 --> 00:23:11,029
You're looking very slim, as a matter of
fact. No, I mean, just looking round

308
00:23:11,030 --> 00:23:11,669
the shop.

309
00:23:11,670 --> 00:23:12,369
All right?

310
00:23:12,370 --> 00:23:13,420
All right, doll.

311
00:23:19,091 --> 00:23:22,909
Who's the little, little pickle, then?

312
00:23:22,910 --> 00:23:23,960
Who's the little...

313
00:23:30,350 --> 00:23:31,470
Who's a furry thing?

314
00:23:35,190 --> 00:23:36,240
Excuse me.

315
00:23:36,790 --> 00:23:38,690
Do guinea pigs usually growl?

316
00:23:39,570 --> 00:23:40,650
You're annoying them.

317
00:23:41,750 --> 00:23:43,800
Oh, no, just saying a few words, you
know.

318
00:23:43,990 --> 00:23:45,040
Nothing rude.

319
00:23:45,370 --> 00:23:47,270
I just went, who's a little pickle?

320
00:23:48,470 --> 00:23:49,520
He's done it again.

321
00:23:49,590 --> 00:23:51,150
Yeah, well, he's a stud, you see.

322
00:23:52,310 --> 00:23:55,800
He wants to breed, but the female's got
headaches, so leave him alone.

323
00:23:56,790 --> 00:23:59,860
You're as sensitive as a barn door, some
people are, you know.

324
00:24:00,250 --> 00:24:02,360
Oh, if you're a stud, you carry on, old
boy.

325
00:24:02,790 --> 00:24:04,350
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

326
00:24:06,070 --> 00:24:07,120
Hello.

327
00:24:07,630 --> 00:24:09,210
Who's a furry bunny one of you?

328
00:24:11,990 --> 00:24:13,040
Listen to me.

329
00:24:14,530 --> 00:24:16,820
Listen, if you're annoying the animals,
out.

330
00:24:16,870 --> 00:24:21,030
No, no, I'm not. No, no, I like animals.
No, no, I treat them as equals.

331
00:24:21,390 --> 00:24:22,590
Flatter yourself, mate.

332
00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:25,680
Hello?

333
00:24:35,450 --> 00:24:36,500
Hello, Polly.

334
00:24:40,630 --> 00:24:41,690
You're a tortoise.

335
00:24:42,290 --> 00:24:43,830
He knows that, he knows that.

336
00:24:44,790 --> 00:24:47,800
Nobody said who's a pretty boy, then.
Well, he is a pretty boy.

337
00:24:47,870 --> 00:24:52,029
Look, Luke, I know about animals, and I
know that tortoises don't speak, just as

338
00:24:52,030 --> 00:24:53,350
I know that dogs bark.

339
00:24:53,351 --> 00:24:55,669
Don't I? I mean, know that much?

340
00:24:55,670 --> 00:24:58,320
Oh, he likes me, he does, he doesn't.
Don't be too sure.

341
00:25:05,811 --> 00:25:07,599
dog is that?

342
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:08,650
An Aylesbury.

343
00:25:10,940 --> 00:25:12,600
Where do you buy him? Barking.

344
00:25:14,380 --> 00:25:15,640
Don't you mean quacking?

345
00:25:16,300 --> 00:25:18,220
Quacking? Where the hell's quacking?

346
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:22,279
A dog's not meant to quack. I mean, a
puppy dog's meant to go, you know, like

347
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,400
that. It's not a flaming mouse with a
whooping cough.

348
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:30,239
It's not a depressionist, but that is a
dog. And a dog is meant to bark and

349
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:32,920
growl and howl. Who's got time to teach
you all that?

350
00:25:33,450 --> 00:25:35,570
Who teaches a dove to go coo? Nobody.

351
00:25:35,830 --> 00:25:38,490
Well, then. They don't go coo. They do.
They coo, they do.

352
00:25:38,491 --> 00:25:44,929
This shop's not natural. Listen, either
order something or clear off your

353
00:25:44,930 --> 00:25:45,969
doolally, you are.

354
00:25:45,970 --> 00:25:47,990
I'm doolally. This shop is doolally.

355
00:25:47,991 --> 00:25:51,049
Absolutely doolally. What is that egg
doing in there?

356
00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:52,250
What do you want it to do?

357
00:25:52,450 --> 00:25:55,430
What do you mean? Did that dog lay that
egg? Don't be daft.

358
00:25:55,910 --> 00:25:59,630
That's a China egg. Well, why is it in
there? Well, it's doing curries

359
00:26:02,990 --> 00:26:07,289
shop this is. Well, if I may, I'd like
to order a canary that growls, a dozen

360
00:26:07,290 --> 00:26:10,960
gerbils' eggs, and a goldfish that sings
the national anthem backwards.

361
00:26:11,350 --> 00:26:12,550
When do you want them by?

362
00:26:13,910 --> 00:26:16,510
I was being sarcastic. I'll tell you
what I have got.

363
00:26:16,990 --> 00:26:18,790
I've got a nice goat going cheap.

364
00:26:18,990 --> 00:26:22,240
I don't want a goat that goes cheap. I
want a goat that goes bah, bah.

365
00:26:22,310 --> 00:26:23,930
It's supposed to go bah, bah.

366
00:26:27,650 --> 00:26:31,390
You know what a bee does, do you? Yes, I
do. Well, then be off.

367
00:26:33,689 --> 00:26:35,370
Oh, it's the wife, thank goodness.

368
00:26:37,410 --> 00:26:40,240
It's the first sense of the word I've
heard all day, dear.

369
00:26:41,430 --> 00:26:42,570
Ignorant little creep.

370
00:26:46,010 --> 00:26:48,900
Well done, Chowza. Here's your cat's
meat. Go on, clear off.

371
00:26:55,270 --> 00:26:56,320
Thank you.

372
00:26:56,590 --> 00:27:01,570
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I have a
rather sad announcement to make.

373
00:27:02,590 --> 00:27:07,469
This will probably be the last time I
shall ever sit in this chair and tell

374
00:27:07,470 --> 00:27:08,520
a joke. No,

375
00:27:19,010 --> 00:27:21,730
please, please. You're upset, I can
understand.

376
00:27:23,790 --> 00:27:26,370
Understandable. Try and hold back the
tears.

377
00:27:27,570 --> 00:27:30,100
There's a lady here opening a bottle of
champagne.

378
00:27:30,550 --> 00:27:37,539
No. No, it had to happen. Had to happen.
Sooner or later. At long last, I

379
00:27:37,540 --> 00:27:39,080
have been lured to Hollywood.

380
00:27:41,380 --> 00:27:42,430
Excuse me.

381
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,200
I beg your pardon.

382
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:50,719
Paramount have bought up the movie
rights to my sensational autobiography,

383
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,380
Ronnie Corbett Story, filmed in
microscope.

384
00:27:55,610 --> 00:27:57,950
It's all very exciting.

385
00:27:58,250 --> 00:28:02,389
And I've just had the draft of the
screenplay through. Here we are. Look,

386
00:28:02,390 --> 00:28:06,330
Ronnie Corbett story starring Burt
Lancaster as Ronnie Corbett.

387
00:28:09,010 --> 00:28:12,170
A challenging role, if ever there was
one.

388
00:28:13,450 --> 00:28:15,370
You'd probably end up getting an Oscar.

389
00:28:16,130 --> 00:28:18,410
Co -starring Ronnie Corbett as the
Oscar.

390
00:28:18,411 --> 00:28:24,589
There are some very stunning scenes in
this film, I'll tell you that. Scene one

391
00:28:24,590 --> 00:28:26,750
starts off. Scene one, the workhouse.

392
00:28:26,970 --> 00:28:32,069
Ronnie Corbett has just been born. His
thin, waif -like mother picks up the

393
00:28:32,070 --> 00:28:36,589
infant Corbett in her trembling hands,
holds him out towards the midwife and

394
00:28:36,590 --> 00:28:38,750
says, Please miss, can I have some more?

395
00:28:43,879 --> 00:28:46,289
See? My mother would be very annoyed
about that.

396
00:28:46,300 --> 00:28:48,420
Scene two.

397
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,040
Fagin teaches Corbett to steal jokes.

398
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:57,940
I have to admit, the plot has been
slightly romanticised.

399
00:28:57,941 --> 00:29:01,459
That is the strange thing. It's the
strange thing, you know, about reading

400
00:29:01,460 --> 00:29:04,770
script. The script of your life story
brings back so many memories.

401
00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:09,439
You know, our first house was so damp,
we held a housewarming party and it

402
00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:10,490
boiled away.

403
00:29:12,630 --> 00:29:16,610
When we got married, that is, you know,
my wife and I, naturally.

404
00:29:16,611 --> 00:29:20,749
It's the best way to do it, really. When
we got married, well, we didn't

405
00:29:20,750 --> 00:29:22,229
actually, to be honest, get married.

406
00:29:22,230 --> 00:29:23,770
She won me in a pass the parcel.

407
00:29:25,670 --> 00:29:26,720
It happened.

408
00:29:26,990 --> 00:29:28,040
It happened.

409
00:29:28,430 --> 00:29:31,910
No, it happened. I can laugh about it
now because, you know, I'm more

410
00:29:32,170 --> 00:29:38,989
But it happened at one of those big
showbiz parties, very late in the

411
00:29:38,990 --> 00:29:42,449
evening. All the guests had got a bit
merry, you know, on Henry Cooper's

412
00:29:42,450 --> 00:29:43,500
knockout punch.

413
00:29:45,150 --> 00:29:46,830
Cabaret that night was a bit rough.

414
00:29:47,190 --> 00:29:52,790
A string quartet of BBC cleaning ladies
playing air on a J -cloth.

415
00:29:54,350 --> 00:29:58,650
and Rod Stewart doing some close harmony
numbers with a dodgy starter motor.

416
00:30:00,430 --> 00:30:04,509
Then someone said, let's play Pass the
Parcel. Before I knew it, I was being

417
00:30:04,510 --> 00:30:08,069
tossed around the room, and every time
the music stopped, the person left

418
00:30:08,070 --> 00:30:09,690
holding me peeled something off.

419
00:30:10,410 --> 00:30:14,260
I'll never forget my wife's words as she
removed the final piece of wrapping.

420
00:30:14,390 --> 00:30:17,730
She went, oh, look, she said, what I've
always wanted, a bendy toy.

421
00:30:20,310 --> 00:30:21,370
She said...

422
00:30:21,521 --> 00:30:23,939
No, I wasn't embarrassed.

423
00:30:23,940 --> 00:30:26,879
No, not a bit embarrassed. Because I've
always, to be honest, I've always been

424
00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:30,010
very proud of what, you know, nature has
given me, to be honest.

425
00:30:31,500 --> 00:30:33,240
Little things please little minds.

426
00:30:34,300 --> 00:30:36,040
On to tonight's story.

427
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:41,339
And I must apologise if it doesn't seem
all that funny, but it was actually told

428
00:30:41,340 --> 00:30:43,420
to me by the BBC's Director General.

429
00:30:44,060 --> 00:30:45,840
You know, so you can't expect wit.

430
00:30:48,580 --> 00:30:49,630
Thursday morning...

431
00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:53,590
I received the royal invitation to his
office.

432
00:30:53,591 --> 00:30:57,199
As usual, I had to wait a few minutes,
you know, outside, while they finished

433
00:30:57,200 --> 00:30:58,880
blow -drying the flock wallpaper.

434
00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:01,700
Come in, he said.

435
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:05,920
Come in, he said. I've got an awfully
funny story for you, sweetie.

436
00:31:07,100 --> 00:31:08,150
He calls me sweetie.

437
00:31:08,151 --> 00:31:11,879
Sweetie, he said. He calls me sweetie.
He has called me that for a long time.

438
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:15,279
Dates back to the first time we met,
when I was sleeping rough in a bag of

439
00:31:15,280 --> 00:31:16,330
babies.

440
00:31:16,411 --> 00:31:18,479
He said...

441
00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:22,159
I thought, he said, I thought you could
do it in your, you know, your bit of

442
00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:25,180
nonsense this week. So for better or
worse, here it is.

443
00:31:25,460 --> 00:31:29,499
Apparently this story actually happened
a few weeks ago while he was over in New

444
00:31:29,500 --> 00:31:32,979
York for a conference. He was staying in
one of those very incredibly swish

445
00:31:32,980 --> 00:31:36,440
skyscraper hotels, you know, elevators
with in -flight movies.

446
00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:42,000
Towels so fluffy and thick, you can't
get them in your suitcase.

447
00:31:45,900 --> 00:31:48,490
And a Jehovah's Witness in every bedside
cupboard.

448
00:31:49,060 --> 00:31:53,579
And apparently, central heating is very
exclusive. You fancy a sudden blast of

449
00:31:53,580 --> 00:31:57,490
hot air, you press a button, and Russell
Grant comes up and reads your fortune.

450
00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:02,759
One night, the Director General was
sitting in the lounge, having a drink,

451
00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:05,979
he noticed a little scene between two
gentlemen at the bar. Now, one of them

452
00:32:05,980 --> 00:32:08,860
an Oriental person, and the other...

453
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:13,820
a Jewish ice cream manufacturer who
worked on Sundays.

454
00:32:14,220 --> 00:32:21,059
Well, as the Oriental gentleman was
leaning across the bar to get an

455
00:32:21,060 --> 00:32:24,119
olive, he accidentally knocks over the
Jewish gentleman's drink and immediately

456
00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:26,660
gets very upset. He goes, my life, my
life.

457
00:32:27,380 --> 00:32:29,480
First Pearl Harbor, he says, now this.

458
00:32:29,481 --> 00:32:35,559
That's typical. That's just the sort of
thing I'd expect of your people, the

459
00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:37,680
Oriental gentleman says.

460
00:32:38,140 --> 00:32:39,190
Pardon me, he says.

461
00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:42,510
Fortunately, he's completely lost his
accent, this fellow.

462
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:48,860
Otherwise, it might have been, pardon
me, he said, but I happen to be Chinese.

463
00:32:49,380 --> 00:32:51,790
And it was the Japanese who bombed Pearl
Harbor.

464
00:32:51,791 --> 00:32:55,619
The chap says, Chinese, Japanese, what's
it a name? And he promptly picks up a

465
00:32:55,620 --> 00:32:58,739
nearby soda typhoon and squirts it down
the Chinaman's shirt like that.

466
00:32:58,740 --> 00:33:02,399
That's typical, he said. That is
typical. Just the sort of thing I'd

467
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:03,259
you people.

468
00:33:03,260 --> 00:33:05,540
First you sink the Titanic, now this.

469
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:08,120
Just wait a minute. Sink the Titanic?

470
00:33:08,121 --> 00:33:10,639
What are you talking about? That was
nothing to do with the Jews.

471
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:11,690
That was an iceberg.

472
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:14,390
Chinaman says iceberg, Goldberg, what's
in a...

473
00:33:38,389 --> 00:33:41,650
People don't want clowns no more.

474
00:33:43,450 --> 00:33:46,430
We seem to be out of fashion now.

475
00:33:46,670 --> 00:33:49,510
We seem to have lost our dash somehow.

476
00:33:49,790 --> 00:33:52,270
We seem to have lost our clout.

477
00:33:56,070 --> 00:33:59,530
People don't think we're funny no more.

478
00:34:01,830 --> 00:34:04,430
Comedy seems to have passed us by.

479
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:10,460
Just moved on, don't ask us why, and
left us down and out.

480
00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:16,840
But I remember the day when everyone
loved the clown.

481
00:34:17,159 --> 00:34:23,479
I remember the day whenever the circus
came to town. All the kids in the

482
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:26,159
neighborhood ran after you down the
street.

483
00:34:26,940 --> 00:34:31,280
Everyone's next door neighbor would bang
on the wall as hard as they could.

484
00:34:31,420 --> 00:34:32,880
They're here, they're...

485
00:34:33,130 --> 00:34:35,250
Come out and give them a cheer.

486
00:34:35,510 --> 00:34:39,989
And the elephants holding each other's
tails came lumbering through the crowd.

487
00:34:40,670 --> 00:34:45,150
Pulling the cages of hell, the lions of
the liberty, horses throttling proud,

488
00:34:45,270 --> 00:34:49,330
and men in the stilts and the acrobats
came tumbling through the town.

489
00:34:49,570 --> 00:34:54,669
And behind them all, to tremendous
cheer, the hero of the day appeared, the

490
00:34:54,670 --> 00:34:56,150
clown, the clown.

491
00:34:56,409 --> 00:34:58,530
Everyone loved the clown.

492
00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:14,200
People don't want clowns no more.

493
00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:19,220
The things we do don't make them laugh.

494
00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:24,760
Comical car that falls in half no longer
stops the show.

495
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:32,680
People don't go for our gags no more.

496
00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:37,280
The slippery planks and the buckets of
paste.

497
00:35:37,580 --> 00:35:40,040
It's sheer hard graft just gone to
waste.

498
00:35:40,540 --> 00:35:42,600
And nobody wants to know.

499
00:35:44,500 --> 00:35:49,480
But I remember the day when the clowns
were the only thing.

500
00:35:50,020 --> 00:35:56,819
I remember the day whenever we entered
the circus ring, a joyful sound, a

501
00:35:56,820 --> 00:35:59,680
magical rock would surge up from the
crowd.

502
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:05,599
And as each pratfall shook the floor,
and little Joey came back for more, the

503
00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:07,180
locks were loud.

504
00:36:07,420 --> 00:36:09,620
The locks were long and loud.

505
00:36:10,230 --> 00:36:14,690
And the flower bags bursting all over
the place and the custard pies that

506
00:36:14,990 --> 00:36:20,350
And the soda siphon full in the face and
the baggy trousers filled with glue.

507
00:36:20,570 --> 00:36:24,830
Jock on his square wheel bicycle and
Jimbo's gigantic ears.

508
00:36:25,150 --> 00:36:29,849
And the final chase round the edge of
the ring and you feel no pain and the

509
00:36:29,850 --> 00:36:32,310
thing are the cheers. The cheers.

510
00:36:32,610 --> 00:36:35,050
You'd never forget the cheers.

511
00:36:35,270 --> 00:36:37,770
You'd never forget the cheers.

512
00:36:47,370 --> 00:36:50,350
People don't want clowns no more.

513
00:36:52,070 --> 00:36:58,050
I tend to blame the telly meself. That's
what's put us on the shelf.

514
00:36:58,490 --> 00:37:00,450
That's what did us in.

515
00:37:04,210 --> 00:37:07,970
It's too sophisticated now.

516
00:37:09,870 --> 00:37:12,950
There's entertainment around the clock.

517
00:37:13,240 --> 00:37:18,300
From breakfast TV to late night rock,
it's one long bleeding day.

518
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:24,000
Too many of us at it now.

519
00:37:24,300 --> 00:37:26,660
The goodies started the rot.

520
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:30,040
Now everyone's joined the gravy train.

521
00:37:30,420 --> 00:37:33,100
The competition's far too hot.

522
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:38,200
There's little and large and more coming
wise and cannon and ball and all.

523
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:41,060
The fat one and the little one.

524
00:37:42,030 --> 00:37:44,810
Whose names I can't recall.

525
00:37:47,390 --> 00:37:50,750
Come on, Jacko. We can't sit here.

526
00:37:51,910 --> 00:37:54,290
There's two more shows tomorrow night.

527
00:37:54,570 --> 00:37:57,490
Two more chances to get it right.

528
00:37:58,150 --> 00:37:59,910
Providing family fun.

529
00:38:03,110 --> 00:38:04,910
Let's get moving, there's a dear.

530
00:38:07,410 --> 00:38:10,010
It's half past twelve and I'm soaking
wet.

531
00:38:11,299 --> 00:38:13,300
We've got to muck out the elephants yet.

532
00:38:14,740 --> 00:38:17,800
Or we'll never get done.

533
00:38:55,450 --> 00:38:57,870
Welcome to Cockahoopie Castle.

534
00:39:03,210 --> 00:39:08,430
I have a story to tell you, so strange
that it will make your blood run cold,

535
00:39:08,830 --> 00:39:12,610
freeze your gizzard, and perish the
rubber in your inner tubes.

536
00:39:14,790 --> 00:39:17,990
Before I begin, let me stoke the fire.

537
00:39:18,750 --> 00:39:19,800
McQueenie!

538
00:39:20,170 --> 00:39:22,030
Put another bit of peat on the fire.

539
00:39:30,690 --> 00:39:31,950
We're running out of peat.

540
00:39:32,310 --> 00:39:33,750
There's no much of him left.

541
00:39:34,450 --> 00:39:35,630
Only his right leg.

542
00:39:36,030 --> 00:39:37,850
Oh, it doesn't matter which part.

543
00:39:38,310 --> 00:39:39,360
Will it burn?

544
00:39:39,490 --> 00:39:41,230
What it should do is his wooden body.

545
00:39:43,170 --> 00:39:44,830
Poor old peat.

546
00:39:45,790 --> 00:39:48,410
Home cremation is a tradition in these
parts.

547
00:39:48,670 --> 00:39:49,770
And so much cheaper.

548
00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:52,380
Oh, by the by, the McDonald's are here.

549
00:39:52,620 --> 00:39:54,790
They'll be waiting outside for 30
minutes.

550
00:39:54,791 --> 00:39:56,719
Poor wee things will be getting off the
cold.

551
00:39:56,720 --> 00:39:59,610
Well, bring them in, man, bring them in.
Oh, well, oh, well.

552
00:39:59,780 --> 00:40:02,380
Oh, do you want ketchup or mustard in
yours?

553
00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:04,250
Mustard, mustard.

554
00:40:04,460 --> 00:40:07,940
Now get out and stop interrupting me,
whispery.

555
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:11,890
Here, what's that?

556
00:40:12,060 --> 00:40:13,620
Oh, over here.

557
00:40:17,060 --> 00:40:19,220
The story I'm about to tell.

558
00:40:19,790 --> 00:40:22,470
concerns the Bogle of Borgfell.

559
00:40:22,970 --> 00:40:27,070
Hey, don't worry. It's not all going to
be in rhyme. That was by accident.

560
00:40:28,550 --> 00:40:33,290
Angus Bogle was a mild -mannered wee man
who came to a tragic end.

561
00:40:34,010 --> 00:40:38,550
Finding that his wife was unfaithful to
him, he cut her off with a shelling,

562
00:40:38,670 --> 00:40:44,949
whereupon she cut him off with a bread
knife to the died intestine, giving no

563
00:40:44,950 --> 00:40:46,000
money to anyone.

564
00:40:46,650 --> 00:40:48,550
And from that day onward...

565
00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:54,160
His ghost haunted the area around his
native village of Cockerhoopy.

566
00:40:55,120 --> 00:41:00,979
The village itself was steeped in
history ever since it had been pillaged

567
00:41:00,980 --> 00:41:07,159
McNenemy and his Barbican hordes. He
drank all the whiskey and left it

568
00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:08,210
-free.

569
00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:14,959
Soon after he died, the Bogle's ghost
began to appear to various of the

570
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:17,340
villagers, always at full moon.

571
00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:19,580
just after the closing time.

572
00:42:05,900 --> 00:42:07,520
The gist of his experience.

573
00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:10,490
Tell us about when everything's done
then, Jimmy.

574
00:42:14,500 --> 00:42:20,779
Mrs. Muck Muck, the widow of poor old
Mick Muck Muck, the sewage guy, had been

575
00:42:20,780 --> 00:42:23,380
bag of nerves ever since her husband
died.

576
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:25,880
Before that, she'd just been a bag.

577
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:30,960
She would go to enormous lengths to
protect herself from the boggle.

578
00:43:07,530 --> 00:43:12,249
He always hid himself away in his
favorite hiding place, the toilet of his

579
00:43:12,250 --> 00:43:13,300
cottage.

580
00:43:15,590 --> 00:43:20,809
In life, ever since he was a bairn, he
had always hid there when he was really

581
00:43:20,810 --> 00:43:21,860
frightened.

582
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:54,019
Now, as a ghost, when frightened by the
widow, he sought retreat and safety in

583
00:43:54,020 --> 00:43:58,480
the toilet, which wasn't much fun for
the new owners.

584
00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:08,640
And so a plan was hatched to catch the
Bogle of Borgfell.

585
00:44:09,500 --> 00:44:13,939
Residing in the village was Professor
Monty MacDougall, the inventor of the

586
00:44:13,940 --> 00:44:16,960
world -famous MacDougall's self -raising
trousers.

587
00:44:17,610 --> 00:44:19,720
for people who can't get up in the
morning.

588
00:44:20,130 --> 00:44:25,410
His brilliant drink -ridden brain was
brought to bear upon the problem.

589
00:44:25,411 --> 00:44:29,489
No, gentlemen, I'd like to explain this
rather complicated diagram we have here.

590
00:44:29,490 --> 00:44:31,110
The idea is this.

591
00:44:32,010 --> 00:44:36,629
When the booger rushes into the
laboratory and pulls the chain, this

592
00:44:36,630 --> 00:44:40,069
this large boulder to shoot up into the
basket here. It will roll down this

593
00:44:40,070 --> 00:44:44,529
freshly prepared ramp and crash to the
floor and roll to the other end of the

594
00:44:44,530 --> 00:44:48,899
toilet. This will completely overbalance
the whole structure, thus trapping the

595
00:44:48,900 --> 00:44:49,919
Bogle inside.

596
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:50,970
Any questions?

597
00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:53,980
Aye, what time do they open? Any minute
now. This one I want.

598
00:44:56,640 --> 00:44:58,820
So the plan was put into action.

599
00:44:59,900 --> 00:45:05,359
Strangely enough, it was the professor
himself returning home even drunker than

600
00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:06,379
usual one night.

601
00:45:06,380 --> 00:45:09,880
That was to be the cause of the Bogle's
downfall.

602
00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:18,250
Amen.

603
00:46:15,180 --> 00:46:18,440
and his usual place, hoping to find
relief from his fears.

604
00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:23,500
All night long he sat in the wee house,
as it was known.

605
00:46:23,980 --> 00:46:28,440
But it wasn't until morning that he was
relieved enough to pull the chain.

606
00:46:30,080 --> 00:46:35,619
What he didn't realize was that the
crafty professor had moved our hero's

607
00:46:35,620 --> 00:46:37,260
hole to a higher location.

608
00:46:53,930 --> 00:46:57,630
That day to this, the village has been
known as Bogfell.

609
00:46:58,730 --> 00:47:00,330
That's where the bog fell.

610
00:47:02,350 --> 00:47:04,090
One last thing I'll say to you.

611
00:47:04,930 --> 00:47:09,370
The tale I've told you may seem strange
and almost impossible to believe.

612
00:47:09,950 --> 00:47:16,049
But if it's not true, may I be blown to
smithereens and the various parts of my

613
00:47:16,050 --> 00:47:20,110
body be distributed and scattered
throughout the length and breadth of

614
00:47:20,310 --> 00:47:22,110
including the Trossachs.

615
00:47:25,260 --> 00:47:26,310
We are off.

616
00:47:38,980 --> 00:47:43,139
That seems to be all we have time for
tonight, but before we go, a few late

617
00:47:43,140 --> 00:47:44,190
items of news.

618
00:47:44,191 --> 00:47:48,259
There was a nasty shock today for Angus
Tripp, the Salford furniture restorer,

619
00:47:48,260 --> 00:47:50,160
who's had several organ transplants.

620
00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:54,290
While testing a polling chair, he
damaged his imitation walnut.

621
00:47:56,320 --> 00:48:02,019
And disturbing news at a press
conference this morning for soap opera

622
00:48:02,020 --> 00:48:06,480
Ralston Painswick. He's being kept in
the series but killed off in real life.

623
00:48:09,940 --> 00:48:10,990
Shattering news.

624
00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:13,190
Larry Grayson has got a girl into
trouble.

625
00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:17,290
She was parked on a yellow line and he
towed the traffic ward.

626
00:48:17,291 --> 00:48:24,919
In our next programme, we hope to bring
you the North Thames Gas Board Dramatic

627
00:48:24,920 --> 00:48:28,040
Society, who will be giving an estimated
reading of Hamlet.

628
00:48:28,041 --> 00:48:33,719
And we'll be meeting Wendell Snug, who
will be on the second night of his

629
00:48:33,720 --> 00:48:37,139
honeymoon. He'll be dressed in a suit of
brightly coloured feathers in the hope

630
00:48:37,140 --> 00:48:39,000
of repeating himself parrot fashion.

631
00:48:40,220 --> 00:48:41,960
Until then, it's goodnight from me.

632
00:48:41,961 --> 00:48:43,789
And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.
Goodnight.

633
00:48:43,790 --> 00:48:48,340
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